I Discovered My Partner Had an Affair. What Do I Do Now?
You just discovered your partner is having an affair. An affair. It may not seem fair. Perhaps your partner decided to come forward and confess everything. Or maybe you discovered the hidden relationship on your own. You may have even had your suspicions, but they assured you it was nothing to worry about. However you came upon this information, the fact is you did and now you have no idea what to do next.
Here are five things to do in wake of discovering an affair.
Feel and own your emotions.
Angry. Devastated. Shocked. Numb. It all makes sense. An affair impacts us like a trauma. This may seem hard to believe until you think about how trauma takes the safe world we are living in and turns it on it’s head. We no longer zip through our daily routine, but look for danger at every corner. Our bodies are keenly aware that the last time we let out guard down and trusted the safety in the world (or in our partner) we were blind-sighted. Our brains are expertly designed to keep us safe and therefore, our brain makes a solemn vow to never be caught off guard again. Those who have been betrayed by their partner having an affair often report experiencing symptoms of trauma, such as anxiety, crying spells, hypervigilence, intrusive and ruminating thoughts, insomnia or hypersomnia, and depression. Understanding how an affair impacts us can help us better understand our emotions. Once we understand that what we are feeling is oh so normal then we can give ourselves space to feel all these emotions and not judge ourselves harshly.
Manage information in safe way.
The rug has just been pulled out from under you. Everything you thought you knew about your partner, your relationship, and even yourself has been turned upside down. You need answers. It makes sense! Being able to ask questions about the betrayal can help you to make sense of it, which can be healing. However, you want to receive the information in a way that will not be re-traumatizing. Certain information (e.g. specific sexual acts, etc.) does not lead to greater understanding and can cause further harm to you. Additionally, you want to make sure you are physically and emotionally in a place to receive the information (at work through text message is probably not the best way to receive information about the affair). Ensure that appropriate boundaries are in place to manage how much information is shared, as well as when and how it is shared.
Take care of yourself.
Easier said than done. You just found out your partner had an affair. You anxious all day and then randomly burst into tears. You stay up at night replaying the information over and over in your head. Your appetite is basically non-existent. You can’t focus on anything, much less on self-care. This is so, so hard. Firstly, be gentle with yourself. Normalize not feeling 100% right now. Forgo the things that can be forgone. Give yourself the space and time to grieve and process. Focus on the basic things that make you feel good, like getting some sunlight, drinking plenty of water, spending time with a pet, and moving your body. If symptoms persist, worsen, or if you experience thoughts of suicide, it is imperative that you reach out to a therapist or contact the Suicide Crisis Line at 988.
Rally your support system
If you feel comfortable sharing this information, find a trusted friend or family member who can provide comfort and space to process difficult emotions. Sometimes in the wake of an affair, friends and family members have their own strong feelings towards the betraying partner. That makes sense- they love you and don’t want to see you hurt. But having them criticize (what a jerk!) or provide solutions too soon (you should leave him!) can often create more confusion for you. Ask your friends and family if they can provide you a safe, non-judgemental space to process emotions and grieve before they provide advice or criticisms. If they cannot provide a safe space or if you don’t feel comfortable sharing quite yet, find an individual therapist who can support through this time.
Seek out relationship therapy
Affair recovery is hard work. It can be helpful to have a professional therapist support you and your partner through the process. Couples therapy is a specialization in and of itself and many therapists are not trained to specifically address relational issues. Affair recovery is an additional layer and it’s important to find a therapist who has specialized in training in helping couples repair in the aftermath of an affair.
Looking for an affair recovery couple’s therapist?
About the author
Alice is a relationship therapist, dedicated to helping couples build healthy and secure relationships. Alice specializes in affair recovery, navigating polyamory/open relationships, and trauma. Alice provides evidenced-based therapy, including Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Gottman Method, and EMDR to couples and beyond in California and Washington State.