Emotional Affairs: Signs, Causes, and How Couple’s Therapy Can Help
What Is an Emotional Affair?
An emotional affair occurs when one partner develops a deep, intimate connection outside the boundaries and agreements of their committed relationship. Unlike physical affairs, emotional affairs often begin innocently- as close friendships or shared interests- but grow into secrecy and emotional intimacy that competes with the primary relationship.
Psychologist Shirley Glass explores this in her book, Not Just Friends, showing how emotional affairs can start slowly and often without conscious intent.
Emotional affairs are defined by:
Emotional closeness with someone outside the boundaries and agreements of the relationship
Secrecy or hiding the connection
Emotional distance from the primary partner
These affairs can be just as devastating as physical infidelity because they violate trust, intimacy, and emotional security.
Signs of an Emotional Affair
Recognizing an emotional affair early can prevent further damage to your relationship. Common signs include:
Secrecy and hidden communication- texting, messaging, or calls you hide from your partner
Prioritizing someone else- spending emotional energy with another person over your partner
Emotional withdrawal from your partner- avoiding intimacy or deep conversations
Sharing personal thoughts or frustrations outside the relationship- confiding in someone more than your partner
Defensiveness or guilt- reacting negatively when asked about the friendship
If you notice these patterns, it may indicate a friendship has crossed emotional boundaries.
How Emotional Affairs Begin
Shirley Glass emphasizes that emotional affairs rarely start as intentional betrayals. They often develop from ordinary friendships that slowly become intimate.
Factors that contribute to emotional affairs include:
Workplace or social friendships that involve frequent communication
Feeling understood or validated by someone outside the relationship
Unmet emotional needs in the primary partnership
Sharing frustrations or personal struggles with someone else instead of your partner
Over time, the emotional energy that should be invested in your partner shifts towards the outside person.
The “Walls and Windows” Concept
Glass describes “walls and windows” as a framework for healthy relationships:
Windows: openness and emotional sharing with your partner
Walls: boundaries that protect your relationship from outside emotional entanglements
When emotional affairs occur, these patterns often reverse- walls collapse with outsiders, while windows with your partner close.
Why Emotional Affairs Hurt so Deeply
Emotional affairs often feel even more painful than physical affairs because they violate the emotional core of the relationship. Emotional intimacy and trust, the foundation of attachment, are redirected to someone else, leaving the primary partner feeling
Betrayed and rejected
Emotionally unsafe
Disconnected from the relationship
Healing requires rebuilding emotional safety and trust, not just addressing behavior.
Emotional Affairs in Non-Monogamous Relationships
Emotional affairs aren’t limited to monogamous relationships. In ethical non-monogamy, where partners can have multiple romantic or sexual connections, boundaries around emotional intimacy can be crucial.
In non-monogamous relationships, an emotional affair can occur if:
A partner develops exclusive emotional closeness with someone outside the agreed-upon relationship boundaries
In a hierarchical structured relationship, communication or connection with a secondary partner overshadows the primary relationship
Secrets or lack of transparency creates betrayal or hurt
Just as in monogamous relationships, clear agreements, honesty, and regular check-ins are essential for maintaining trust and emotional safety. Relationship therapy can help navigate these dynamics, helping partners define boundaries, communicate needs, and prevent unintended emotional affairs.
Healing and Emotional Affair Recovery
While emotional affairs are painful, couples can recover and build stronger relationships through therapy. Steps include:
Understanding how the affair developed- identify vulnerabilities and unmet needs
Rebuilding trust and boundaries- restoring “walls” with those outside the relationship and “windows” of openness with each other
Repairing emotional injuries- supporting the hurt partner while fostering accountability
Strengthening emotional intimacy- learning to communicate and meet emotional needs within the relationship
Therapeutic approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and the Gottman Method are particularly effective in emotional affair recovery.
Take Action- Rebuild Your Relationship
Emotional affairs can be a turning point, highlighting unmet needs and areas for growth. With honesty, boundaries, and professional support, couples can often find renewed connection and emotional security.
If you are struggling to heal from an emotional affair, couples therapy can guide you relationship towards recovery and trust.
Book a consultation today to start rebuilding emotional intimacy and strengthening your relationship.
About the author
Alice Grutman is a couples therapist serving California and Washington State, specializing in betrayal trauma and supporting partners in rebuilding trust and connection in the wake of affairs, substance use, and other relational breaches. She works with both monogamous and open/non-monogamous relationships using Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and the Gottman Method to help couples repair relational ruptures and strengthen emotional intimacy.
Alice holds a certification in non-monogamy and has a background in trauma and substance use treatment, which informs her understanding of how experiences like addiction, secrecy, and emotional pain can impact trust and safety within relationships.
Alice’s work is warm, collaborative, and practical. She helps couples slow down, understand the patterns that keep them stuck, and learn new ways of connecting so they can move from conflict and disconnection toward greater understanding, safety, and intimacy.
Through her writing, Alice aims to make relationship science and therapy concepts accessible, offering insights that help couples understand their dynamics and take meaningful steps toward a healthier, more secure partnership.